.

I can’t let myself get too happy, or I get physically ill

I can’t laugh too hard, or I stop breathing

I have been conditioned to not cry, get angry, panic, or express any negative emotion

I’m immune to pain medicine and am in constant pain, especially when I do any physical activity, due to fibromayalgia which I was only diagnosed with in January after 20 years of complaining about being in pain and saying pain medicine didn’t work on me

Let’s not forget my parents are health fanatics and ignore I have been medically advised to not do heavy aerobics because of my fibro, dragging me out/around to do aerobics and then not giving me adequate time to recover. If I don’t get 10k steps every day I’m LAZY

And yard work and cooking today has like near;y taken my right arm bc it hurts so much now

(I was told it was impossible to be immune to pain medicine up until I was 18/19 and a test proved it. After years of OD’ing secretly on advil/ibuprofen/tylenol/etc because I wanted the pain to go away)

I’m “Abled enough to function in society but too disabled to function in society without handicaps” as one of my therapists told me once

Invisible disabilities, mind you, unless you count my nearly unseeable hearing aids, which I don’t have a mask fix for yet

Only job experience is a grocery sacker, florist assistant, and retail associate because apparently having spent over 256 hours back in 2013-14 building a pre-K to 12th grade library of over 6k books in a homeless shelter by myself, earning me my Girl Scout Gold Award and (from Obama) the President’s Call to Service Award, Gold Level, doesn’t show I’m hard-working even if I am “limited/inexperienced”

Need to find a good paying job or marry someone who has one within the next 919 days in the middle of a pandemic before I go off my parent’s insurance or risk losing all my medicines because one can cost 7k for a 90-day supply

Let’s not forget I once fucking bled on my period for over two months, and I need medicine to prevent my PCOS period complications that makes me bleed all the way through an 8 hour pad in 1 hour for my days, or has me sleeping in a bathtub

“Only” have an associate’s degree which was nigh on impossible for me to get

Since I can’t process negative emotion, I just feel tired whenever my body experiences one of them so I am constantly fucking tired and have to keep up my chores, agin in the middle of a pandemic with my brother on the front lines and family at risk of developing complications

All of this 100% sober and not on drugs because I take like six+ medicines everyday to function, and probably should be taking more

What am I going for? 

Not to mention I have been fighting passive suicide for over a decade (if not more) now